Losing it all

Originally posted December 13, 2007

Never would I have imagined that I would wind up the broken shell of a man that I am now. Broken spirit. Broken dreams. Broken love. Shards of glass everywhere and not a clear place to step without damaging even more of my flawed existence. There is no path that I can see - one that leads away from this mess.

Everyone tells me I will get better. This will only make me stronger. I am a survivor. I am a leader. The places I can go are limitless. They don't know me.

I cry for what I had. It lives now in someone else's home. Their backyard. Their office. Their dreams. It hangs on their walls. What life did I create exactly? These past few months seem like years ago. It can't happen this way. Where are the fond memories and laughter and joy? Where are the friends that said they would be by my side? You don't know lost until you've been reduced to living from a suitcase. Searching for your toothpaste in a paper bag. Other trinkets stored away in an attic. Forgetting what you placed there.

Things will never be pieced together again. This is no puzzle. This is a starting over. I'm scared of what needs to be done. I lack the strength to do this properly. Friends and family will not like my decisions. Should I care? Isn't this about me and what I feel is important? I've lost enough already - there is nothing left to hang hope on.

Well, I wrote something a while back. Never published it. Only stored it away in an empty folder on my laptop. For the sake of beginning fresh again, I want to share it here:

The fog is lifting and I suddenly feel as if everything is returning to normal. For me, the past few months have been rather surreal. I found, saved, loved and lost a very intelligent and insightful man. I understate his qualities as it is difficult to vocalize or put into prose exactly what it was about him that caused my heart to pour forth every ounce of compassion I've ever produced. The emotions that I had the great pleasure to experience, and at times endure, will be forever stamped into my sub-conscience and hopefully aroused by another at some later point in my life. To say that is to say also that I don't know if I would ever want to replace those feelings.

I want him back.